THE TOSS OF THE COIN-----SEPT.2011

From January this year,I'm constantly dealing with the death of persons, very dear to me,and with whom,I've moved very closely,intimately,for several years.I know that death is a reality,and must accompany birth,but when it hits people, who are excellent human beings,very devoted worshippers of God,who cannot hurt a fly,who could have led many years of a very fruitful,useful existence,looking after their families,the injustice of it all,is very defeating,& depressing.Why does it always happen to good people?What is the use of being good,when God will deal such a harsh blow?There are so many questions,bothering me ALL the time,to which I know, there are no answers.And so,I live with the feeling of intense helplessness,watching my friends die,slowly,surely,and the pain of visiting them is intense,and killing,but nothing compared to what they are going through.

Today is Sun.4th.Sept.2011,and I have just returned, after visiting Debashish,who is completely bed ridden,and cannot even move a finger.And the experience has devastated me beyond my imagination.More than 6ft.tall,a wonderful human being,very soft spoken,very kind,very helpful,very God fearing, and a wonderful father to his three excellent sons,he is confined to bed,completely dependant on life support systems,and the people around him.Just one year ago,I was visiting them in Chennai,where he held a very senior position in Ashok Leyland,and the care,thoughtfulness,and gentleness shown to me,was exemplary,and will always be a treasured memory.I could never,ever imagine,that one year later,he would be in this state.Every evening,after he returned from work,he would insist, that I accompany him, to different restaurants in Chennai,enjoying the various cuisines,as that would give him the opportunity to relish the food too.So we went to Buhari's,which is a landmark there,then for authentic South Indian delicacies,Karaikudi specialities,Chettinad food,the best dosas,it was just great.And his mother,my dearest Mashima,was so thrilled about it.And today?Thankfully,Mashima left in Jan.2011,and though I was devastated,I am grateful, she didn't have to see her only son,go through this.Why God ,Why?Why does such a good man,have to face this,and why should his family suffer so much pain?I can't look at the son's,because I know whats going on,inside them,and no one can do anything to help.And his wife?Did she deserve this?

My best friend in Chennai,Shyamolie,was suddenly diagnosed with breast cancer,had to go through an emergency mastectomy,is going through chemotherapy,and her life has been turned completely topsy turvy.She has faced a lot of ups,and downs, in her life,but handled them well,and just when things were improving,she lost her husband Arun,a gem of a man,and a very dear friend.Then it was mother,and son,both happy,living their own lives,and Amit took very good care of his mother.Things were just fine.And when I was with her,last year,2010,she was happily giving me all the details,about how God has been so kind to her,inspite of her losses.And then,this.I don't have any words, to express my sorrow,and anguish,at the pain these two,and more of my friends are facing,and its the helplessness,that makes it so cruel.

Life is like a coin,when it is tossed, one has to take what comes,God doesn't give a choice, but these experiences, have made me determined, to live my life,with much more devotion,passion,dedication,hard work,and to go the extra mile,to achieve my goal,because no one knows when life will come to a full stop.So, while feeling completely defeated,and distressed at the pain around me,involving very dear ones,and every visit is an exercise in self-control,I work harder all the time,spread love all the time,because "This minute is in our hands,the next one?We do not know!"

LIVING IS CONSTANT LEARNING! MAY 2011

Dear Manna, I don't know whether you will read this,because, in UR very BZ life,you may not find the time,or,perhaps you won't think it worthwhile, to spend it, on the musings an 'OLD' person.Specially UR mother!It is a strange fact of life, that most children, think their mothers to be,someone necessary around the house,but never think of her as a person,an individual,who has dreams,hopes,aspirations,and capabilities, beyond household work.Who loves her home,and family above ALL else,but also,loves to live her life,according to her vision,and is actually a very multi-faceted person.Anyway,instead of ranting,I will come straight to the point of my effort today.You have helped, me sort out a situation in my life,which was giving me a lot of worry,and I just didn't know what to do.But you have shown me the way,and I am really happy.I'm back on the rails once again.

After I shifted to Aundh,going for a walk had become a nightmare.This is a new,upcoming area,so there is a lot of construction going on, everywhere.There are no pavements,one has to walk on the roads,where the traffic is very heavy,being the Bombay-Pune highway.Having spent 32 years opposite the beautiful Kamala Nehru Park,was making it more miserable.There, I used to go for my walk around 9-30 AM,and loved every moment.The huge trees provided cool shade,so I could enjoy walking.But how was I going to sort this out here?In the evenings, it is impossible to walk anywhere, because of crowds,heavy traffic,and, because I live alone,for which I am the cynosure of all eyes,I didn't feel like doing it.But,not being able to go for a walk,was making me miserable.
But, my dear, you showed me the way,and I've learnt an important lesson from my child.You must be wondering what I'm raving,and ranting about?(MOTHER'S!) From early childhood,you've always been an ardent sports person,skilled at many,and enjoyed exercising.And you have continued that,inspite of a very gruelling skejule,and innumerable committments.Today when I see you, never missing out on UR exercise,no matter what, and whether it is going to the gym,or swimmimg,cycling,jogging,or playing some sport,you will do it,no excuses there.Just like your father!And I'm really proud of you,for being so dedicated about this.Because health IS wealth,no two ways about that.But what lesson have you taught me?

I thought about my problem at length,and wondered what you would have done.And then it clicked!I decided to get up at 5AM,go for a walk around 5-30,walk briskly for 45/50 mins.and return.And I've been doing that, successfully,for some time now.The weather at that time is lovely,very cool,no traffic,no horns blaring,no one coming in the way.Only lovely birds chirping away,and I am perfectly tuned to myself.Its a beautiful feeling.I'm thrilled to have found a way out from a situation that was bothering me,and you have taught me a very valuable lesson. Where there's a will,there's a way,and I've fought all problems, of heat,congested roads,too many people,a suitable timing, and found my way out.I'm happy,and enjoying myself,and I'm sending you a BIIIIIG hug, for showing me the way out.

MOTHER'S DAY, AN ETERNAL CELEBRATION--MAY 2011

Mother's Day is just around the corner,and the western world celebrates this day,with great fervour.In fact,these celebrations were virtually unknown in India, till a few years back,thanks to the publicity done by the card companies.And today, it has become a big occasion,with a lot of hype,and hoopla attached to it.But, I feel, that a mother is a mother, till the end of her days,and she plays her role to perfection,till the end of her days.The age,status,success,name,and fame of her child is totally immaterial,she always looks at him as her child,and nothing else matters,everything is unimportant.And the relationship between a mother and child, is sacred,special,unconditional,constant,and permanent,and it will NEVER change.
Today, Ashis is near 50,thats how the world sees him, also as the smart, hot shot executive,intelligent,capable,holding a good position,in a leading company.But to me, he's the tiny,wriggly baby, I brought home on a very stormy day,and both of us didn't know a thing about babies,how to handle them,or what to do.We learnt as we went along,and love was our only guide,mentor,and trainer.And he started his life, totally dependent on me.When he cried, he looked at me to soothe him,and when happy,he wanted to share it with me.I accompanied him on his first day at school,held him to my heart, to reassure him,and waited outside the classroom door to pick him up,after school,knowing he would feel lost, if he didn't see me.And his eyes were full of tears when he saw me,as if he said,"Why did you leave me here?"

From school to college,and further,he kept taking every step, with great confidence,and academic brilliance,but behind it all,mother and son shared innumerable soft,sweet, touching moments,which are the threads, that bind this very precious, relationship.I was always there, to soothe his fears,give him courage to go in his chosen direction,and applaud him,for his innumerable achievements.And he too,always stood with me,for everything,all the time.I was excited as a child when he got married,thrilled beyond measure when his children were born,enjoyed a lovely comraderie with his wife,and lived my role to the hilt,in all its various colours.He was my son, and I would be with him throughout his life,whenever,and wherever the need.And not only for the need,but because I will always be his mother.

Manna was a very thin,very fair child,with pitch black eyes,born early one morning,in the middle of a huge storm, in Chennai,and I took permission from the doctor, to allow Ashis to stay with me, in the hospital,while his father was away at work, so that he didn't feel lonely,and lost.And he loved his brother.He kept looking at him,wanted to hold him,and was curious as to why he didn't say anything.And then started a relationship that amazed everyone,Ashis was an exemplary elder brother,and mothered Manna, till he left home, for IIM Kolkata,when Manna was almost 18.And a beautiful friendship grew between us.We were very happy being together,and had lots of very enjoyable moments, as well as very tough, tragic ones too.Amid broken bones, hits, hurts, gashes,they grew up,and so did our relationship,and I've always stood with them,at every moment of their lives,watching their success, and also, their problems.But my love for them continues unchanged,unwavering,and is constant.

Today,as I get ready to celebrate Mother's Day,Innumerable little incidents flash before my eyes, like the scenes of a movie,that remind me, of our life together,which is our real strength.And when the world tells me, that they have their own lives,and I should stay away, I only want to say, that no matter where I am, or what I do,I will always be their mother, nothing,or no one ,can change that, and I will happily,proudly, stand up in this role,and celebrate every day as Mother's Day, because once a mother,always a mother.

SEVERING TIES--MOVING ON!

The whole of last week,my rainbow Tia Rani,and her mother Losita,were away, in two different places,different directions,different roles.Of course, they must have enjoyed themselves,while doing whatever they were supposed to do,on their respective trips.Tia is a bundle of energy,like me,(I love this comparison!), enjoys everything,while spreading her infectious charm,and smile loaded nature,all around her.Losita is a business woman,and since I'm not very knowledgeable in this area,I'll just say, that she was busy getting her work done,whatever it was.My son Manna, has been on his own, from Sept.1986,when he went to the US to study,and is quite adept at every angle of housework,and a very good cook,(like me!).This too I love!Then, what was the problem?Why was I constantly worrying about all of them,and waiting for them, to return home, to Singapore,and get back to their usual life?Because I'm a mother, and grandmother,and worrying is an occupational hazard of my job,specially because, we don't live together,so the only thing I can do, all the time is, worry."She NEVER learns to severe her ties,wherever her children,thats where her heart lies!"
But the world is very different now.Its all about I,Me and mine,and the younger generation is extremely insensitive towards the elderly.Emotions are ridiculed,and once the children have grown up,and moved on, thinking,and worrying, about them,wanting to be with them,or longing for their visit,to spend some time together, are all considered stupid,outdated notions."He's got his own life Aunty,and why should you sit here,and worry about them?"Why indeed! Because I'm his mother,and nothing,or no one on this earth,can change that,or make me forget it.I'll be his mother till I die,and I WILL worry about him,and his family,because they are ALL, a precious part of my life.

Just because he is a successful young man,perfectly capable of handling his life,and whatever comes his way,at home,and outside, do I cease to be his mother?Can I look at him from any other angle,or just forget about him?I wanted to talk to him every night,to find out if he has had his dinner,if things are OK,and how are Losita and Tia,is he feeling alright,and so many other questions.Why is it so difficult for others to understand, that "a mother,is a mother till the end of her days!"And why is it the norm, that thinking,worrying,and praying for the happiness of a child,is something to ridicule,or denigrate?

I was more worried about my darling Tia,because she is young,and when kids are in a crowd,it is always important to be watching over them,constantly,because an innocent move,can be damaging forever.Every night, I would see her pretty face,wreathed in smiles,planning some mischief,or the other,as any child would,and I'd send a silent prayer to God,to keep her safe,and happy.Here , the argument is, she has parents,who know what to do,so why should you worry?Why indeed?Because a grandchild, is more precious, than anything else,in this whole world,and she is my family.I am her grandmother,she is apart of my life,and world,and her well being will dictate my functioning.Can I forget all this, and just pretend to be unaffected by anything that goes on with them,just because my son has his own life,and knows what to do?Am I not a part of their life?
But now that they are back,we are all back to our lives,and things are in place once again.I just want the world, to TRY to understand, that a mother is a mother till the end of her days, her children are more precious to her, than her life,and the depth of love is measured by our feelings for each other,which are eternal.The child's age,status,financial capability,name,or fame, is not the defining factor to a mother,because he will always be my little boy, whom I brought home from the hospital,and who used to look deep into my eyes, for everything.That was where we got our understanding.Can I, or rather should I, just forget everything we have shared,and pretend it doesn't matter to me anymore?Because it does matter,and will,till I die. May 2011.

AN ENGLISH WEDDING/A PAGE IN HISTORY.

I've just spent four hours in front of the TV,enjoying a ringside view, of the biggest event, in the British royal family,after 30 years.And believe me, every moment was worth it.Some of my very dear,and close friends, joined me,and we had a whale of a time.I loved the excitement,and grandeur,and everything was conducted with so much perfection,that it was a feast for the eyes. William, the elder son of Prince Charles,and the porcelain doll,Diana,married his sweetheart of eight years,Kate Middleton,in a beautiful ceremony,that was dignified,graceful,and classy.Both looked wonderful,were perfectly behaved throughout,and never lost their balance,even for a single minute.Yes, they belong to the British royal family,where it is understood, that sobriety,demeanour,and perfect manners are ingrained,and expected,but, it was wonderful to watch them handle the occasion with so much charm.
I have had the good fortune of watching his grandmother,Queen Elizabeth's coronation,which was a very grand affair.And I remember the excitement it generated then.Her beautiful gown,jewel encrusted tiara,and the way she handled herself,at such an young age,was definitely worth the admiration it received.When Prince Charles was born,it was a huge celebration,followed by the births of the other children.Then Charles married the beautiful Diana,who looked like a Dresden doll on her wedding day,and Britain went wild.I've watched their two sons from birth, to their growing up years,darlings of their mother Diana,who loved looking after them,personally.And, when Diana died, in a terrible car crash, in France, their world came crashing down.The sight of the two little boys, walking forlornly,behind their mother's casket,and their bouquet, with a card, that said,"Mummy", broke every heart,and there wasn't a single dry eye.

But they've done well for themselves,and handled every situation with dignity. Prince Charles married Camilla,and the boys were completely supportive.They've been a good friend of their father,and enjoy their time together.So it was wonderful to see William get married,and both of them looked so happy,and peaceful together.But what impressed me most,was the behaviour of the huge crowds,assembled all along the route of the procession.They were very happy,extremely excited,enjoying themselves,and every bit of the ceremony,but in a very peaceful manner.No one was bothering anyone,it was all so organised,controlled,and decent. Hats off to all the people who were their,and showed the whole world, what decency,and politeness is all about.Very impressive,and something I will always remember.I wish the young couple, constant happiness, in their new life together,and it is their behaviour,grace,and charm, that will take them successfully,on their way.I firmly believe that behaviour is like a passport,it tells everything about the person. 29th.April.2011.

TO MASHIMA,WITH LOVE! APRIL 2011.

It happened so suddenly, that all of us,who had the good fortune,and privilege, of being in Mashima's life,were completely stunned,speechless,and unable to move.I remember every incident leading to that fateful moment,and I don't think I can ever forget,or pretend, it doesn't matter.Because it does!Its been a very big blow for me,and I'm still limping my way around,trying to handle the sudden emptiness inside me, that is all engulfing.I feel lonely,lost,blank,and miss her,every moment,of each day.People try to sympathise, to explain, that this is life,and it must go on , and I have to keep moving with it. But none of those people, shared,and enjoyed, a 15 yr. relationship,with one of the MOST outstanding,extraordinary,exemplary human beings ,God gifted me with,and who filled my life with happiness,and fulfilment, that I will always treasure,and cherish.Definitely some of the very BEST moments of my life.She showered me with deep love,and always stood with me,supporting,and comforting me,and giving me the strength,and courage to just keep going.Oh! God.How I miss her!Where will I find a friend,philosopher,and guide like her?

It was a Sunday,and I had gone with some friends, for a picnic ,to a lovely farm house,on the outskirts of Pune.It was a lovely experience, a very enjoyable day,and I returned home,in a very happy,satisfied mood.Here, I must say, that I have been very lucky, to have really good friends, who love me,care for me, and are always there, to help out, whenever the situation calls for it.And this picnic was specially organised, "Because you love going out,and will enjoy yourself!"Which indeed, I did!But,as soon as I returned, the phone rang,and I just fell into the nearest chair. My heart was thumping away, and my mind completely blank.No! This was just not possible!It cannot be true!No! No! No!I wanted to scream,but I felt as if I had lost my voice.From the other side, I vaguely heard a voice say,"UR Mashima just left!She has gone away!"Even as I write this, I feel as if my heart has been cut up in ribbons,and the blow,impossible to accept,or realise.Mashima gone?
But one has to face,accept,and be graceful about reality, no matter how impossible,or tough it may be,for that is the only way to go.And although I am well past 70,have faced many,very severe blows in life,I just couldn't stand up to this blow, which hit me more that I could have ever imagined.Because it was totally unexpected,sudden, when no one expected it.She was almost 90, but more active that a 50 yr.old,and her love knew no bounds.She greatly enjoyed looking after her whole family, and I was very special to her,a relationship, probably from our previous birth.This is what Hinduism teaches,and my father,and father-in-law, greatly believed in.They passed this belief to me,during my most memorable,and precious moments with them,as long as they lived.

I met Mashima,after they shifted into the apartment just below ours,and my neighbour said,"Aunty, a Bengali family has shifted here,have you met them?"No, I hadn't,but one day,while returning home,a very sweet elderly lady,looked at me, with a very warm,beautiful smile, and said,"Oh! You must be Jonaki! I've heard so much about you.Now I can get to know you better!"And indeed we did.From a very slow,cautious start,it soon blossomed into a wonderful friendship,and we were almost inseparable.Not a day went by,when we didn't see each other,shared our joys,and sorrows,ups,and downs,and always moved together.She was a great fan of my cooking,and I enjoyed making her favourite dishes,which she enjoyed,
effusively.She too was an excellent cook,and I marvelled at the ease, with which she turned out delicacies,at the drop of a hat.

But more than anything,Mashima was a person par excellence,an extraordinary human being,of grace,class,culture,and dignity,and took everything in her stride,both the good,and the bad.I loved and admired her,and she gave me so much love,that today,even in my loneliness, I feel honoured,and privileged, to have had her in my life,and spent beautiful years with her.After she left, for days, I was completely blank,my mind just refused to function,and I felt as if, half my body was gone.It was too difficult to handle,and, since I live alone, it was extra painful.I still wish the phone would ring,and she would ask me to make her favourite sweets,or sambhar,green mango jam,nimki,and the innumerable things she so loved to eat.But reality is tough to handle,and each person has to find a way out.But I will love Mashima forever,because she was my dearest,and best friend,and gave me very valuable lessons, on how to be a good person,above all else.And I will make every endeavour to follow whatever she said, as my tribute to a great lady,my best friend,my inspiration,guide,and a very precious part of my life.R.I.P Mashima,chirodin bhalobeshe jaabo,jaemon aapni dekheiyechen.

12th.APRIL,A SPECIAL DAY 4 ME.

Today is my husband's b'day,and, although he left me more than 25 yrs. ago,this day continues to come, loaded with wonderfully happy memories,and also tinged with sadness, at what might have been.Yes, there is a space in my heart which is full of pain,and a deep sense of loss, and lots of unanswered questions.But ,we shared lovely moments together,and I can still recall every birthday,and the unending joy we managed to create.

He came from a very conservative family,and celebrating b'days etc. were just not done,for fear of the evil eye.And, in my family, we celebrated everything in a big way,and my parents would go all out,to make the day special, in every possible way.They say, opposites attract,but, in our case, we were just thrown together, two completely unknown people,and it was left to us, to go, in whichever direction we wanted to follow.And we didn't really know much about attraction etc.Or rather, we didn't know much about anything.But everyone is born with survival skills,and learns soon enough,how to tackle the situation.So did we, or, to put it correctly,I did.He didn't know a thing about anything relating to the home,so I had to take things in hand,and find my way out.But we had loads of fun,as we made our way together,and as love grew,and blossomed, we started enjoying many things, which were new to him,and which soon became an inseparable part of our lives.

I still remember his 1st. b'day after marriage,12th Apr.1962.When he left for work, I just told him not to return late, because a friend was dropping in, to meet him.He didn't suspect anything,and in those days, there were no hassles like cell-phone etc. so I knew he wouldn't find out anything. And he wouldn't remember either.After he left, I got started with my plans,and being young,and new,it was a difficult task.But I managed to make payesh,keemar ghoogni,luchi,aloor dom,and decorated the dinner table with lovely fresh flowers.We were living in Salem,Tamilnadu, so flowers were available everywhere, and I had my own flower seller,coming home.I also dressed up well,and was completely ready, when the b'day boy returned.He was surprised to see me all dolled up,and more surprised,when he entered, and went to the dining table.It was a rickety cane table,but love had worked wonders,and created a beautiful,dreamy atmosphere.

He was shy,embarrased, hesitant, but I could see the glow of happiness in his eyes,and that was my biggest reward.I had baked a small cake,which he cut,and after that,we sat down to enjoy the party.It was simple, certainly not perfect,very amateurish,but we felt as if we were in heaven.He enjoyed every morsel,was full of praise, and then I gave him his gift.It was his favourite book,with a few poetic lines from me,and he just melted.It was the happiest day for us,sweet,simple, and straight from the heart.

Over the years, we celebrated every occasion, with a lot of excitement, preparation, and planning. The children's b'days were huge events,eagerly looked forward to,by everyone, and thanks to the coaching he received from them, he also learnt to select gifts for each one of us.If they were not up to the mark,he was apologetic,but I loved him as he was,and didn't really care for what he bought.And, he always loved to talk about that 1st. b'day, which caught him unawares,and introduced him, to fun,and joy, he had never experienced.And till today, I believe, that its the simple,loving, acts of thoughtfulness,care,sensitivity, that matter,and money can never,ever substitute the workings of the heart.